I am in an odd place right now. It’s not a bad place. In fact, I think it’s actually quite uniquely good in terms of my life. On the one hand I feel like I’ve lost the momentum I had going on several big fronts in my life. I was just getting into the swing of my NaNoWriMo novel, and now that’s stalled. This blog was finally starting to gain some fans, included among them some other great writers with amazing blogs of their own, and because of NaNoWriMo I haven’t written a good spanking story in a while. I was writing songs and recording them at a fairly regular pace, but lately have been drawing more blanks behind my keyboard and guitars. And my D/s relationship was attaining a new depth and fresh start.
I’m happy to say that my D/s relationship is still solid and still growing, but overall I feel like I’m in a valley as far as the momentum of my other expressions. I think it mostly has to do with the huge growth moments I’ve experienced lately, particularly the one where I realized I’d been living for so long with the cancer of guilt.
This growth has just taken a lot out of me. I feel tired and empty, yet liberated and new. I finally feel like it’s alright to be me and that however unusual, I am someone that I would admire (I know that’s a strange way to put it). I’m surrounded by excellent examples of unusual people that I admire, some of whom I’m fortunate to be able to call friends. For example, my new Dom friend, Smiteful Sinner – totally unique, wise, cool, funny. I wonder if she hasn’t ever felt like a fish out of water in some circumstance or other, yet there are those of us out here that love the way she is and wouldn’t want her to change. So I have to ask myself why it would be any different for me?
My wife wrote this beautiful song “Where Is My Tribe?” It too, reminds me that there are many of us singular fishes out there and we will find our home, if nowhere else, at least with ourselves when we learn to love our Selves.
So although I feel tired and worn out and a bit out of place and in a valley of low momentum, it feels mostly like the beginning of a new chapter or a new story for me. I am hopeful now and not in a blinders on way. I’m awake. My eyes are open and I’m fascinated and curious about who and what is around me to experience.
I want the support of friends but I never again want to be addicted to people or dependent on their approval. I just want to be the best expression of me that I can be. It’s what I owe to myself and to the world. Just me being me has to be enough.