Looking, I see it’s been twelve days since I posted anything to this blog. I also haven’t posted to my other blog ( http://demystifyexperience.wordpress.com/ ) since before Christmas. This was starting to worry me and I was bothered by the fact that I’ve been letting readers down.
One concern for a writer is writer’s block – that agonizing feeling that you can get starting at the blank screen/page and not being able to think of ideas. All of a sudden you don’t have anything to say. But I knew that really wasn’t what was happening to me this time. I have plenty of things to say and plenty of ideas for stories. But for some reason unknown to me, they wouldn’t come out. I couldn’t bring myself to type or write any of it. It just wouldn’t come out.
Now one thing that occurred to me, which wasn’t the “big” thing, was that I do sometimes fall into a bad habit of not releasing anything I don’t think is special in some way or in worst cases “brilliant”. I’ll get an idea, start to work on it, realize that everyone’s done a similar topic or story, “realize” I don’t have anything special to bring to it, and give up. But then I don’t get the opportunity of expressing myself… my Self. And that, I believe, is the purpose of our lives, to express our own uniqueness out into the world with loving intention. I’m ashamed to say that, when this happens to me, I’m wrongly comparing my expression to others’ expressions and not keeping the channel open.
This time though, there was an additional dimension to my “stuck-ness”, my ambiguous and conflicted feelings about collaboration. I began writing this blog on my own, inspired by Pandora Blake’s blog and other’s that I came across when I first began exploring the Internet for examples of personal experience related to spanking/kink that were also intellectual, creative, and had a humanist, egalitarian point of view. I assumed at the time I began writing this that I would have a small audience of readers who had similar tastes and I never really expected it to grow. It is still “small” but the readership has grown at times, particularly when I’ve posted a “hot” story or personal experience. This happened because the “hot” stories garnered mentions on other higher-readership blogs and the experiences I’ve had were with my Ren. So the increases were both due to working with others.
I know that’s not much of an “aha”, and I really knew all along that working in cooperation, especially in a teamwork framework is a way to effectively magnify everyone’s voices who are involved. And being part of a team or network is very personally satisfying to me. Then came the audio posts like Friday Quai-day, which came from interaction with friends on Twitter, and even evoked a response from Pandora Blake. All this really really raised my cooperation spirit and put me on the path of creating “Quai Franklin Radio”, which is now in the process of being set up.
But then, subconsciously the struggle within me began. It’s a simple conflict between my desire for control and to avoid feelings of rejection, versus my strong desire to work with others in collaboration and within teams. Clearly teamwork is going to be necessary to do what I want to do with “Quai Franklin Radio”. At the basic level, I simply don’t have the time to create enough content – original music, discussions and interviews, topic posts, spanking stories, etc. Not to mention that interviews and discussions obviously require input from others. So basically I’ve made the career and artistic path decision that requires me to go outside of my comfort zone and work with others. It’s exciting and scary. Add to that the fact that Ren and I have decided to merge our various worlds and this is a very heady adventure we’re on. But, dammit, we’re on that adventure now and it makes no sense to turn back.
Life is not a dress rehearsal and my job is to be and express who I am. Success is an arbitrary concept. I’d love to make my living doing these things, but who knows if that’s possible. We’ll see… In any case, that doesn’t matter ultimately to whether I pursue this or not. It is simply who I am.
Now, to work on a proposed story that a couple of my wonderful blogging friends have offered to collaborate with me on…
“Play On“! 🙂